The Daily Wire

News reports from a parallel galaxy

Monday, January 19, 2004

Dick Gephardt Shrugs Off Batman Rumors

As the Iowa caucus draws near, Democratic candidate Dick Gephardt is shrugging off rumors that he is Batman. For months the Missouri congessman has been hounded by reports that he bears more than a passing resemblance to the Caped Crusader, a resemblance he strongly denies.
"The only crusader in this election is George Bush and his crusade to ruin the good name of America!" Gephardt shouted to a cheering crowd of supporters.

At a recent campaign stop in Adair, IA, though, a rally was delayed by more than an hour when the Penguin assaulted the crowd with a purple laughing gas. Dick Gephardt was reportedly not at the scene yet, although he arrived moments after Batman apprehended the villain and turned him over to Adair Police Chief O'Hara.
"I told Mr. Gephardt that he just missed seeing Batman," Chief O'Hara recalled, "but he didn't seem too disappointed."

Rumors are abound that Dick Gephardt, left, is really Batman, center (shown here with Robin). At far right, an undated file photo of Bruce Wayne.
posted by Peter   # 9:25 AM

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Cites "crimes against the universe"

An audiotape attributed to Marvin the Martian was received by a CNN affiliate in Houston today. While experts are unsure when the tape was made, the speaker does make references to the Spirit rover mission. Security officials have confirmed it is the voice of the famed alien.

Says the voice on the tape, "Oh dear, you naughty Earth specimens and your imperialist aggressions are in direct violation of the Neptune accord. This insignificant planetoid has been found guilty of crimes against the universe. You have made me very angry -- very angry indeed. Brace yourself for immediate disintegration."

The Bush administration expressed their concern about Marvin the Martian's desire to possess the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator. If he achieves that capability, he would have the ability to destroy the Earth. According to Israeli intelligence, he is about a year away from developing such a weapon.
There are unconfirmed rumors he is receiving assistance from Pakistan.

Marvin the Martian in an undated file photo
posted by Peter   # 11:53 PM

Sunday, January 04, 2004

Jason Alexander to Annul Marriage with Britney Spears

Jason Alexander, star of tv's Seinfeld, awoke Saturday afternoon to the news that he had drunkenly married pop star Britney Spears in a wedding chapel outside Las Vegas.

Alexander was in town for a friend's bachelor party.

A spokesperson for the actor said Alexander hopes to get the marriage annulled before his other wife, Daena, finds out.
posted by Peter   # 10:43 PM


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